Part 9: Guilt

Part 9: Guilt


First thing we should do is shove Jerry’s hand-me-downs into Ban’s possessions. Considering that he’s level 8 and has crap defense, it’s agreed that he probably needs that Moldy cap. Normally I would grind him up to speed...but the next dungeon will take care of that for me.


Second thing on the list is to go rambo in Corrupted Onett’s near vicinity.


One rampage later, and we’ve fully stocked everyone up on Sky Nectars. Shame about the blood though. Is it even blood, considering that we’re in a metaphysical world?

It’s obviously metaphysical blood.


Now that we’ve completed Dr. Andonuts and Ban’s Excellent Adventure, the bear blocking OP’s dungeon has gone off to get drunk...or whatever bears do in their spare time. Next time, on Nature: Do Bears Play Poker in their Spare Time?

They tend to sucker punch kings named Graham.


Well, I suppose it’s time to Matrix the hell out of the next dungeon. It’s not as emotionally traumatizing as Ban’s dungeon... but it’s something all right.


Huh.


: “(Here you can witness the breathtaking sights of all the people Dr. Andonuts mercilessly slaughtered!)

(That loveable bastard! Isn’t he just a hoot?)”

Why is the sign speaking to me.


: “(He met his fate at the twisted hand of Dr. Andonuts.)”

You know, fire and knives make for a prettier spectacle than choking someone to death. The red vividness of life water...the sheen of a dagger…the shrieks of a-

We still think you need help.

Gus, don’t be an incorrigible Eskimo pie with a caramel ribbon.

...I give up.


: “(Dr. Andonuts mercilessly discarded her soul.)
: “...Sweet?”
: “This is unnerving. Let us move on.”


: “(His life expired with Dr. Andonut’s blessing.)”

It was Dr. Andonuts with the Poisoned Donut in the Study.


: “YOU KNOW. YOU KNOW WHO SHE IS. YOU KNOW WHY I KILLED HER, DIDN’T YOU?

…

LAUGH AT ME.
...LAUGH AT ME!
ha Ha ha hAh AHahaAH…*sniff* *sniff*”

Looks like the poor old Doc actually did care about his wife to an extent. Well, I suppose it’s too late to apologize. Dead (wo)men hear no tales, after all....


: “(The most economic way to kill people in a humane fashion is thusly:)

(First, convince them and yourself that it’s necessary to turn them into robots to save the world.)

(Then, send them back into the past to combat an alien menace.)

(After a long, hard battle, they will realize that they are trapped forever.)

(Good job!)”

It was Dr. Andonuts with the Phase Distorter in Saturn Valley.

I’m thoroughly confused.


: “a)

(Who is Jerry?)
(Why is he here?)
(What does Jerry taste like?)

: “Someone whom you do not want to eat.”
: “Like a braised slice of drunk chicken.”
: “Like the souls of the living.”

Like Mike.


: “I’m...I even surprise myself! Haha!”

And so Dr. Andonuts has been revealed to have tortured small animals during his childhood. Preferably with a lighter and a tiny bottle rocket, though a pocket knife did the job as well.

Stop describing yourself like that.


Upstairs is where the intro ends and the dungeon begins. In all honesty, OP’s schtick is nothing special, but a lot of the psychological elements are worth talking about. Well, let’s Peter Pan through the rest of the thing, shall we?


: “Don’t you wanna know how we do things behind the scenes? How DO we kill so many people? Well, it’s easy! Come back here, behind the scenes! We’ve got all kinds of things to show you! Right this way, ladies and gentlemen! Find out what makes Dr. Andonuts so amazing!”

You heard the man. Let’s get started. And by “Let’s get started”, I really mean “Let’s begin mauling everything that gets in our way”.



Earthbound OST - Belch’s Factory


Welcome to Belch’s Factory w/o the Puke^TM. Compared to its counterpart from Earthbound, it’s a warm renovation to the otherwise unsanitary dungeon. At least we don’t have to worry about getting puked on this time.

Do they have Oxyclean in the Earthbound-verse…?

HI BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THIS AMAZING NEW HAWAIIAN PIZZA. YOU’LL BE SAYING “ALOHA” TO IT IN NO TIME!

Okay, calm down...


: “I’m going to die. We’re all going to die.”

And so Ban Andonuts learned of the homicidal genes that run inside his family. I suppose that’s one way to ruin someone’s day.


Looks like we have a branching path here. Like in Belch’s Factory, going down the ladder leads us to the dungeon boss.

But you know what? Screw that. No goodie gets left behind.

Oh joy, more Hawaiian pizzas.


Gold Watch gets equipped on Ban’s Arm, totaling his defense from 17 to 22.

...How? it’s an inch-wide strip of plastic or weak metal.


On the way out, the party gets accosted by Mel Brooks’ Dracula. I suppose it’s time to bring out the stake and holy cross.

Earthbound OST - Heartless Hotel


Vladula is probably the most dangerous enemy we’ll see in OP’s dungeon. Sporting a high HP and attack, the monstrosity can ruin Mom and Ban’s day with little to no trouble. And if it chooses to mix in a Freeze Alpha here and there, you can say goodbye to Jerry as well.


However, the Vladula has one weakness: it always starts off battle asleep. In that sense it’s only a matter of caving in the bat’s face until it succumbs to earthly death.


And with Mom’s near demise, the Vladula has been vanquished into the night Castlevania-style.

No, no, I’m pretty sure she dead.

If an ally dies when combat ends, their HP scrolls back to 1.

I know that, you dingus.


Apparently, Jerry is too cool to climb down ladders properly. Either that, or Radiation was too lazy to hack in the sprites.

On another note, let’s viciously assault the zombie/monster here.


Say hi to the Uberhaunt. The swapped color-palette monstrosity is basically an upgraded version of its cheery snow-flinging pals up near Winters. It can put the party to sleep, rip apart their innards, and set them on fire.


Solution: Turn it into ice cream. Lightning Alpha (Thunder) would be more effective, but apparently the game refuses to strike gold and go home big money.


Couldn’t the lightning just break through the roof.

That’s much too logical to matter.


I’m not sure how I feel about looting foodstuff from the body of a half-decayed zombie -but hey, why not? What’s the worst that could happen?

It’s how you survive the first three nights in Minecraft.


From here, we’ll take a detour down another ladder. There’s a lot do near the conveyer belt/manufacturing plant, but we’ll get to that later.


Along the way, I beat the crap out of another Vladula. Mom and Ban level up as a result.

Mom | IQ: 1 | Luck: 1 | HP: 1 | PP: 5


Ban | IQ: 1 | HP: 1


...I think you can guess who these are for. They give Ban a +7 defense boost, bringing its total from 22 to 29.

Can I steal his lunch money?

I doubt you’d be able to.


We get another Hawaiian pizza here because we can’t get enough Hawaiian pizzas.

I’ve noticed.


Anyways, let’s take the trolley downtown for now. Things are about to get a little...funky around here…


They’re deporting Ban and his mother out of the country!? Those bastards!

Just whip out your green cards.


Given that they’re replacing the Honey Fly Jars from Belch’s Factory, I’m not surprised that they aren’t responding. Nothing a good, hot cup of coffee couldn’t fix.


: “What are you going to do? Bleed on me?”



Apparently, Belch’s Factory w/o the Puke^TM is home to crazy people and homicidal maniacs alike. Nice to know that there’s some kind of consistency to Bizarro World, not that it’s much comfort in the first place.

Those are Mister Saturns, you racist.

...Misters Saturn?

Mr. Mars.


: “Busy eating. Dr. Andonuts? Who thinks about him!?”
: “If I may...considering you are a figment of da- I mean, Dr. Andonuts’ conscience, it is concluded that he thinks about himself...a lot.”


: “...”

Sexy

She’s twelve, you disgusting bastard.

Sexy


Continuing down the path, we eventually bump into another ladder. We actually want to go up it, as the area holds a bunch of items that might be useful.


: “...Of course I would! I’m Dr. Andonuts!”


And then living fire starts beating the hell out of us. Hey, if the walking dead can come to life, so can fire. And considering that this is a figment of Dr. Andonuts imagination, you shouldn’t be complaining anyways.


I suppose it’s time to duke it out with....whatever that is. The Psycho Psource/Missingno. reject is the most harmless enemy in the dungeon. Other than kicking someone in the shins for 40+ damage, it’ll try to fry someone with Lightning Alpha. But, you know…

I dunno, man, it looks pretty Pstrange and Psavage.


… I have a feeling that Psycho Psource ain’t murdering anyone anytime soon.


Not bad for a day’s work. Forty-One experience is enough to buy us a sandwich and a Mars Bars, but not enough for the stuff we’re going to get in a moment.

What kind of universe is this where EXP is currency? Unless you count being able to buy respect in Saints Row, but if you do that, you suck and I hate you.


The Caledfwich is a weapon for Jerry. It increases his attack by a measly two points, but since it’s a worthwhile investment, I dump the Rapier on the side of the road and call it quits.

Caled-f-wich? Caled-fwich? Help.


Shut up.


Vital Capsule is kinda meh at this point. It gets force fed to Mom, since she’s the squishy spellslinger of the party.

I really want a random text bubble to pop up that says something like “Mom has dysentery.”


Ladies and Goons, we have reached Utopia. The bastion of magnificence here is Jerry’s best armor for the rest of the game. While it doesn’t offer any improvements in defense, it does come with a lifetime warranty of protection against paralysis and fire.

So now Jerry will be the one starting the fire instead of ending the fire. Mwahahahahahahahahaha…

Relevant song of the sentence


The room down here contains a magic butterfly for you to abuse. It’s basically there if you need a break.


Along the way, I beat up another Psycho Psource.

Jerry | Offense: 1 | Speed: 1 | Guts: 1 | Luck: 3 | HP: 3 | Learned Whiteshock Gamma | Learned Cleanse Omega | Learned Barrier Alpha

I think that was the most successful level up we’ve had so far. Also, Barrier is totally not PSI Shield under a pseudonym.


It looks like we’ve reached the final area. It’s a bit...bloody, to say the least. Overcompensating a bit, doc?

It’s all of the spilled sauce from the Hawaiian pizzas. I’m a doctor, I know this stuff.


: “It’s a machine made out of bad memories. Just like us. Okay, it’s not really that new.”

Okie-Dokie!


The next room has a Revitalization device and a save point. Since the party has a few wounds, we’re free to progress after a quick heal and save.


Well, I suppose it’s boss time. Nothing like the past, nothing like the future…



Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot


It looks like we’ve ended up in a crazy version of Earthbound’s final dungeon. I think you can guess where we’re going, but let’s jam anyways.


Uh...huh…?

Earthbound OST - Your Sanctuary


: “I was completely ecstatic. This was going to be me. I would have done something helpful. Something immensely helpful. I would finally be able to prove my worth to the world… to my son… To… my wife.

...yes, I was excited beyond belief. But I was also very scared.

Silence.

Nobody had ever attempted time travel before. There were things nobody could have foreseen."

: “Yeah, it would be bad if things ended up like Back to the Future or A Sound of Thunder.”


: “Lifeforms are demolished in the time-travel process. I would have to…

...I would… I had to turn my son into a robot. I had to turn his friends into robots.

…

...There was something chilling about opening them up with a scalpel.

: “You did what!?”

Relevant song of the sentence

: “Perhaps a bit of caution would be advised next time.”
: “They have the same flesh and bones as me. They have the same blood, the same heart...You know…

...I’m not even a real doctor. Just...somehow I managed to finish operating on them."

That’s...pretty impressive, especially when you let that sink in for a moment. I mean, building an entire time machine without any sort of scientific knowledge?

: “Then they stepped into the Phase Distorter. Their will to save the world was absolute. They were going to fight the greatest evil. For some reason they were less afraid than I was. At the time, I didn’t know why I was so scared.

Now I know why.

That machine was a death trap.”



Radiation’s Halloween Hack OST - Technoboss

And so Jerry Toraernos will defeat a future party member for the good of mankind and puppies everywhere. In other words, this is…

JERRY TORAERNOS (and his cohorts) vs. THE PHAZE DESTRORTUR

FINAL ROUND


The Phaze Destrortur is, by far, the hardest of the three dungeon bosses. It can shoot out Lightning Alpha for heavy damage, assault the entire party for heavy damage, and maul someone for heavy heavy damage.

Relevant song for the entire LP

...Why yes, I do, like Suicidal Tendencies. How did you know?


First order of business is to cast PSI Shield Zeta. I suppose you it would’ve been easier to buy anti-lightning equipment from the shop... but I’m too lazy to backtrack.


Next thing you’ll notice is that the Lovecraftian abomination has a shield that deflects physical attacks. It’s probably better that you stick to magic in this fight. Sleepstun, especially, has a chance of putting down the Phaze Destrortur for a couple of turns.

And here is where I stop commenting until the end of the battle, probably.


Really, the entire boss fight is basically one big war of attrition. As long as you keep your shields and HP up, you’ll be able to straggle your way through the fight. Lightning Alpha in particular, can heap 100 damage per turn if it hits.


Parkour, bitch.

Never mind, we skipped ahead 30 minutes.

More like 5 minutes.


This is JERRY TORAERNOS (and his cohorts) vs. THE PHAZE DESTRORTUR. Thank you and have a good night.


Level up!

Ban | Speed: 1 | IQ: 1 | HP: 1

Earthbound OST - The Cliff that Time Forgot


And that’s the last of the three dungeons. Time to see the Andonuts’ Paris Collection, I suppose.



Fade to white…


The Andonuts’ Paris Collection isn’t pretty, as one would say.


: “Hours later, Giygas’s henchmen stopped showing up. Giygas was dead. But where were they? Why didn’t they come back?

…

To my horror, I realized that the method I used to send them to the past…

… would not work in order to send them to the future. Years ago, they were already stranded in the past. Years ago, they already died.

I killed them.

I killed my only son.

I killed my son’s friends.

… there’s not enough Zexonyte left for another time machine…

…

And I had never done anything right in my entire life. I spent all my time preoccupied with stupid projects like Dungeon Man...I tried to turn boiled eggs back into raw eggs...I even created an instant revitalizing device…It sounds like it could be useful, but it costs too much to be mass-produced...I have an utterly impentrable capsule, but you can never get out of it…”

In Mother 3, the device is mass-produced, and the impenetrable capsule gets used at one point.

: “I’ve only created useless things. Things that crash and burn. If you ask me to follow your dreams, you’ll die. And if you don’t die, you’ll get caught in some palm trees. What’s the point of living in a world like that!?

…

After I realized that I had slain them, I became overcome with grief.

I...I created an army of monsters and set them loose.

…

Anything interesting or important in this world...I’ve already unceremoniously destroyed it. Now I wait here, hiding in the Sea of Eve. I’m becoming warped.

Every moment I wait here, Magicant pulls me in...Look around. What is this!?”

Shit, I should have brought popcorn.


: “I’m scared of it. Help me...I need courage...I need…”

Earthbound OST - The Power


: “...Listen! I am Courage.”
: “Yeah, I got the memo twice. Are you going to join my party or what?”
: “...In a moment.”
: “When we defeated Giygas, the future split in twain. In one future, Giygas has always been defeated, because we defeated him in the past. In the other future, Giygas’s defeat is new.

Giygas’s technology allowed him to invade every time and space simultaneously. This includes even the ones he was already defeated in. When we destroyed Giygas, our souls sought out our bodies...But we returned to the new future we had created, not the old one we were sent from."

: “Uh...huh…?”

In a nutshell, Op is basically saying that the universe split in two when they defeated Giygas: one new and one old. The Chosen Four’s souls went to their bodies in the new universe, while in the old universe, everyone wrote them off as dead.

Yes, yes, okay, I don’t understand at all, but okay.

: “Dr. Andonuts waited forever for us to return, but it’s impossible. The world’s Zexonyte supply is exhausted. We’re alive, but does it really matter in this universe? All we can do now is stop this old man from going insane.

Jerry, now!”

: “Buh?”
: “To the Sea of Eve!”


Well, you heard the man -it’s time to end this.